Final Fantasy sounds like a last request sex sesh before you’re executed.

26 Aug

There are few things I enjoy more than sitting around, making fun of overly dramatic video games. That being said, I’ve been playing Final Fantasy XIII for the past few days.

I can only say one thing for certain about this game. IT’S FUCKING CONFUSING. I don’t know if it’s my dumbassery at work, but I’ve played about four hours of FFXIII and I still don’t know what’s going on. There’s something called Cocoon and something called Pulse and there’re these thingies that need to complete some quest or they’ll turn into a monster and if they do complete the quest they turn into crystal and I don’t know what the fuck those Square Enix guys were smoking when they thought up this plotline, but I want some.

My head just about exploded when they started talking about something called Ragnarok and then all of a sudden we were in this crystal world where everything looked the same and I just wanted to sit in a corner and rock back and forth because my brain couldn’t take it anymore.

However, my hugest complaint about the game thus far is the character of Vanille. I wanna cuntpunch this ho for setting feminism back about fifty years. I don’t wanna get into the whole debate of women in games/gaming (at least, not now), but I feel attention must be drawn to this Vanille character. She’s vapid, she’s annoyingly airheadedly chipper, she’s disgustingly weak, she can’t seem to string together a coherent thought, she only seems to exist so you can see up her skirt, and she’s a horrendous stereotype of a female. I’m gonna de-nut the doofus that created this bitch.

However, despite what my whining might indicate, I actually do enjoy playing this game, so I should probably say some positive stuff about FFXIII. And since I like multiples of three, you’re getting three.

It’s pretty, the battle system’s cool, and there’s an item called ‘Strange Fluid’ (SEMEN?!) The end.

One Response to “Final Fantasy sounds like a last request sex sesh before you’re executed.”

  1. Dakisu August 28, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

    FFXIII is way up there alongside MGS4 in terms of convoluted awesomeness.

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