Even though I don’t have a Y-chromosome, I’ve been looking forward to Robert Rodriguez’s Machete (see the trailer here.) Mostly ‘cause he directed Spy Kids. No, kidding. Mostly because he directed Sin City and Planet Terror (that’s more respectable, right?) and might be helming the Deadpool movie. There was also the added bonus of it being “Rated R for strong bloody violence throughout, language, some sexual content and nudity.” Sounds like a friggin’ awesome party!
I saw the film on Friday. First note: I never, ever wanted to see Lindsay Lohan’s tits. In fact, I stay far away from all Lindsay Lohan-related photos because I don’t want to see that cute little girl from The Parent Trap getting out of a car in an impossibly short dress, consequently exposing her hoo-hah to the cool night breezes. So that wasn’t fun. Second note: I love Danny Trejo. He’s in two of my ultimate guilty pleasure films (the ones I know I shouldn’t like ‘cause they’re god-awful, but for some reason I do) – Bubble Boy and Fanboys (DON’T JUDGE ME, ASSHOLES.) That ese’s badass, dude. But I didn’t really like him as a leading man. Stick to your supporting roles, muchacho. Even though the film delivered on my dark humor bloody violence quota (there was even one part where Machete sliced open this puto’s stomach, pulled out his intestines, and used them as a rope to climb down the side of a building – HILARIOUS), the fact none of the characters were well-written/developed enough for me to identify with made me leave the theatre with an overall feeling of “… enh.” It’s a renter.
Now, this weekend, I also saw Going the Distance. Whatever whatever, go ahead and laugh at me – I’m a chick and someone else was paying for me and I have an unreasonably huge crush on Justin Long ‘cause he’s irresistibly funny/charming so you can just go and hang yourself in your shower, Buttass. The movie’s pretty much what it advertised, so get your lazy ass down to YouTube and watch a trailer ‘cause I ain’t summarizing that shit for you. But it did get me thinking about how every girl has a different definition of what’s romantic. For some girls it’s moronic Katherine Heigl-movie crap with flowers and teddy bears and all that super froofy stuff. For other girls it’s stuff like this:
You can guess which camp I’m in.
P.S. A helpful note to guys who need advice – to woo a non-Katherine-Heigl-movie girl, you don’t have to do something as extravagant as training all those Pokemon to level 100 (even though I know that you probably used that Pokemon Red/Blue cheat code where you multiply your Rare Candy item to an infinite amount and just use those on your little Pocket Monsters till they’re full up) – something simple can do it. Example? Maybe a cleverly-constructed rhyme. Me? I’d love a comedic rap to the tune of Slim Shady. Throw down dem phat beats, yo.