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How appropriate! You fight like a cow!

11 Mar

AVAST THERE, LANDLUBBERS! Prepare yeselves. I’m about to pillage your poop deck. With a big, girth-y, black… eyepatch. On my eye. You thought I was gonna say ‘dildo’, right? For shame. No, we’re here to talk about Monkey Island. It’s fangirl time.

The Monkey Island games hold a place very close to my heart – it was the second adventure game I ever played (preceded only by 1996’s Freddi Fish: The Case of the Haunted Schoolhouse.) The Oregon Trail gateway drug of PC games tossed me into a cesspool of wasted hours, hunched over the keyboard as I quested and puzzle solved my way to carpal tunnel, near-sightedness, and a grossly high WPM.

The Curse of Monkey Island (the third installment in the Monkey Island series) found its way into my hands back in the year 2000 in a desperate attempt to find something a little more challenging (and a little less for pussies) than Rockett’s Secret Invitation. It was love at first click.

Monkey Island is a humorous self-referential series about a man named Guybrush Threepwood, who washed up on shore one day with no memories and only one goal – to become a mighty pirate. His adventures send you careening and buccaneering through the Caribbean, encountering trials, tribulations, and an unforgettable cast of characters (one of my favorites of which is a tough-talkin’ jerk of a skull named Murray). One of the most self-aware games I’ve ever played (Guybrush breaks the fourth wall on the regular, and even spouts such gems as, “Goodbye, cruel adventure game!”), Monkey Island is also consistently funny due to the brilliant writing and endless one-liners.

One of the most appealing aspects of the series is that it’s a game that has a protagonist with a personality. Unlike many of the more popular games of today, Monkey Island does not rely on a bland, muscle-bound, gruff, weapon-toting hero through which the (likely obese) player can live vicariously – instead, Guybrush is very much his own person, and an extremely likable one at that, much in part to the voice talents of Dominic Armato. It should also be noted that Guybrush is singularly responsible for my taste in men. Thin, witty, and with a sense of humor.

The series order is as follows: The Secret of Monkey Island, Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge, The Curse of Monkey Island, Escape from Monkey Island, and Tales of Monkey Island. Debuting in 1990 and continuing (with agonizing years-long hiatuses in between) ever since, the series has experienced a revival due to the collaboration of LucasArts and TellTale Games on Tales of Monkey Island in 2009.

An updated version of first game was concurrently developed and released the same year as The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition. For those who want to get into the series, I’d recommend downloading it on, Xbox Live Arcade, or the Playstation Network. Insult sword-fighting, evil demon zombie ghost pirates, Carnivals of the Damned, steel drum music – it’s all just good, piratical fun!


21 Feb

Hola dudes, MegaWoman here, back from an extended unofficial hiatus. I’ll bet you’re wondering – where’ve I been? You know, the usual – writing other shit, marathoning Party Down (Are we having fun yet?), doing bootyshots (that’s when you do the shot out of the stripper’s butthole instead of the torso). That was two truths and a lie, in case you hadn’t figured that out, you disgusting creeps.

Recently I had the pleasure of purchasing, playing, and completing the first installment (of five) in Telltale Games’ Back to the Future series. As an obsessive fan of both the game production company and the film trilogy I was predisposed to enjoy it – they would’ve had to colossally fuck up for me not to. And lo and behold, I was pleasantly… pleased! Excuse the redundancy, my brain’s been suffering from a bit of retardation lately – my vocabulary hath escaped me.

I was first introduced to Telltale Games when they took over the helm from LucasArts in creating the newest installment of the Monkey Island series in Tales of Monkey Island. My insurmountable love for that franchise is something that’ll be saved for another post. I admire Telltale Games because they’ve proven themselves to have consistently brilliant writing – a high compliment coming from someone like me; I don’t just watch things… I judge them.

Back to the Future – The Game is no exception. The first episode, entitled “It’s About Time” was released on the PlayStation Network on February 15th. The story takes place about half a year after the third film – Doc Brown’s has been missing and, much to Marty’s dismay, all of his possessions are being sold. Suddenly, the DeLorean appears! There’s a mysterious message from Doc – he’s in trouble and Marty has to sleuth his way into figuring out where he is in time. He ends up in Prohibition-era Hill Valley, where Doc is incarcerated and Marty has to save his life! DA NA, NANANA! That was the Back to the Future theme song. It doesn’t translate well into text.

I was able to finish the episode in a very short amount of time – the puzzles are fairly simple and the gameplay is rudimentary – there are very few places to explore. However, these are the game’s weakest links. This is a game based off a movie, and it actually doesn’t suck! The interpretation of the beloved characters is crazily good – as is the voice work. Christopher Lloyd returns as the classic mad scientist figure Doc Brown, and, as Michael J. Fox wasn’t available to contribute, actor AJ LoCascio takes the helm as Marty McFly in a creepily spot on impression of Fox’s voice.

With a satisfying story, fun dialogue, and a tone that exactly matches that of the movies, Back to the Future – The Game is a virtual handjob for fans of the film franchise. So buy it and get your Happy Ending.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to rip the plastic off my copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 to quell this massive anticipatory fighter-game ladyboner I’ve been sporting for the past year or so. PEACE.

Top 5 Films of 2010

7 Jan

Since every movie geek creates a list of their favorite films of the year, I figured I would as well cuz I drink the Kool-Aid like that, ya dig, shortstack? I don’t know what it is that causes me to speak that way, but I think it may be because I was subjected to viewings of Grease as a child. So here it is, MegaWoman’s top five films of 2010! This will be short, sweet, and succinct for two reasons. One – I’m no film critic – I like what I like and sometimes can’t always intelligently articulate it. And two – I’m a lazy bastard.

5. Greenberg
Written and directed by the writer/director of The Squid and the Whale, Noah Baumbauch, Greenberg is an amazing character-driven film about a jerk of a main character (played by Ben Stiller) going through the crisis of adulthood. Greta Gerwig’s fucking brilliant as Florence as well – I’m hoping we’ll see a lot more of her in the future.

4. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
There is nothing about this movie that hasn’t been said on every blog ever, so we’ll just do this – director Edgar Wright’s fucking brilliant, best cast ever, hilarious, captured the tone of the comics really well, hilarious, amazing soundtrack, nerdgasm, BREAD MAKES YOU FAT?!

3. Kick-Ass
I actually saw the Kick-Ass film before I read the Mark Millar comic. I’m not sure if I’m committing geek community blasphemy by saying this, but… the film was loads better. Colorful, violent, and darkly humorous, Kick-Ass is a film I’ve watched an embarrassing amount of times and still haven’t tired of. Hit Girl is one of the coolest female characters to come out of cinema for a while and for that – thanks, Kick-Ass! I’m tired of seeing little female whinyass bitches in movies. But that’s a rant for another day.

2. Never Let Me Go
Every once in a while one of those films comes along that just doesn’t leave your head. It’s happened to me a few times before, namely with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Into the Wild, both of which have had an extraordinary impact on my life. Never Let Me Go, based on the novel by Kazuo Ishiguro, is one of those movies. A very beautifully subtle sci-fi carried by three brilliant leads – Andrew Garfield, Carey Mulligan, and Keira Knightley – this is a film that grabs you by the heart and never lets you go. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

1. The Social Network
There was no contest when making this list – The Social Network went straight to the top. A strong cast, a renowned director, and one of my favorite screenwriters all get together to make a movie with witty back-and-forth repartee, a soundtrack that has oft been described as ‘haunting’, and an engaging story about the creation of a website I’ve been using since I graduated high school? SIGN ME UP. The Social Network is one of the most brilliantly crafted movies I have seen in a long while for all the reasons I listed above. Writer Aaron Sorkin, also writer of television programs The West Wing and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, has, as a result of this film, become a personal hero of mine. So much so that if he doesn’t win an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay this year, I will cut a bitch. And not with those pussy elementary school Fiskar scissors either, I’m talking professional Iron Chef kitchen knife.

This awards season, I’m Team The Social Network. All the way like a double rainbow, baby.


25 Dec

MegaWoman here.

Hello, dear readers (all three of you), have ya missed me? It’s alright. Lie to me. I suffer from cripplingly low self-esteem and a constant gnawing hunger for approval. I shall now explain the reason for my absence over the last month and a half. You ready? It’s a doozy.

I got a life.

I know, crazy, right? I didn’t even have time to play video games – spare minutes were dedicated to my number one and number two favorite hobbies – movies and the Internet. Anyway, that life has been lived and now I’m back, living on the internet (where it’s easier to be cool cuz no one can see my face) – and I’m ready to burden you with my inane commentary on movies, video games, comics, etc. etc.

And, just so this post is somewhat relevant to the content of this blog, I present a list of things I have learned in the past few months – while I do love my Xbox, I will always love my PlayStation more; when given the choice between clothes and Blu-Rays, I will always pick Blu-Rays; Spider-Man is my hero; and, when procrastinating, I get really invested in learning the words to viral videos like the Bed Intruder song. Also, when I drink too much caffeine, not only do I fuck up my stomach lining, I also get the shits. TMI? TFB (Too Friggin’ Bad. I’m in your computer screens, makin’ up lingo – I’m Juno-like in that way.)

So, dear readers – never you fear. I shan’t abandon you again. In fact, just to prove myself to you all, I do solemnly swear to make an amazingly educational, yet entertaining, post within the next week. Count on it.

Ye Fantastical World o’ Fable III

15 Nov

Sorry, PlayStation 3. I’ve been cheating on you with my new toy – the Xbox 360. Upon my purchase of this new system, I was most excited for three things – Halo, Mass Effect, and the Fable series. All these are Xbox exclusives and you know how it goes – you always want what you can’t have. And now, I HAVE THEM ALLLL. Unfortunately, I suck nuts at Halo, so that’s going to require a bit of practice on my part. And dying over and over again, watching my head unceremoniously roll away from my body, gets a bit tiresome, so I’ve set that aside for a day when I have more patience. So, naught but a week after I’d purchased my console, I was able to buy Fable III on the day it came out. Three days later, I was finished.

Fable III is a video game that’ll make you feel like you’re good at video games ’cause it’s so goshdarn easy to beat. The battle system’s not at all complicated, the quests are child’s play, and it’s impossible to get lost because a glowing trail of shiny golden pixie dust that looks like the remains of Tinkerbell’s diarrhea explosion leads the way to your next objective. But, even though the game is ridiculously quick to get through, it makes up for this with good writing, an awesome world, and numerous side quests that can actually be quite entertaining.

One of the elements of the Fable series that’s universally lauded is the world it’s built. The fictional fantasy land of Albion is rich with character and very, very beautiful. Traversing its roads never gets old and the various regions of the game provide myriad opportunities to experience the different peoples and scenery of Albion. Additionally, there’s the The Sims-like element of the game, in which you interact with the residents of the land, making friends and lovers, doing them favors, getting/giving gifts, and (if you so choose) terrorizing them. You can even get pregnant or get STDs if you don’t use condoms! And you get fat if you drink too much alcohol! IT’S JUST LIKE REAL LIFE.

However, the most interesting element of Fable’s gameplay is the system of morality, and it is here where Fable III falters. Whereas there were actual equal advantages to being good or evil in Fable II, in order for Fable III’s story to make sense it almost necessitates you being good… until about the last third of the game when you’re the ruler of Albion and you have to make some VERY DIFFICULT MORALITY-BASED DECISIONS that caused me much emotional distress, but I won’t detail here so I don’t spoil y’all.

Additionally, the characters of Fable III aren’t as memorable or likable as in Fable II, making it very difficult for me as a player to connect with them on a level that inspired any amount of loyalty – and that was one of the most interesting and involving aspects of Fable II.

In summation, it’s a game that has a lot of potential, but ultimately falls short. But it’s still worth a play, if only for Stephen Fry’s performance as Reaver. A-fucking-mazing. I could listen to that man read me fucking Twilight and I’d still be enraptured.

Shit I’m Excited for 11/8/10

8 Nov

And so, it arrives. Scott Pilgrim vs. The Universe comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray tomorrow and I’m nearly pissing my pants in excitement. Scott Pilgrim is a series very close to my heart because it’s the title that first got me heavy into comics. August 2004. I remember it well. The tone and humor of the books is spot-on, thanks to Bryan Lee O’Malley’s excellent, hilarious writing and his uncanny ability to draw the best facial expressions EVER. The film was helmed by my favorite director, Edgar Wright (of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz fame) and stars comedy god Michael Cera. Every frame of the movie looks like it was taken straight out of a comic book. Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who plays romantic interest Ramona Flowers in the film) is smokin’ hot. So really, what’s not to like? Buy it. It’s going to be packed with hours of special goodies. Including stuff like the video below! Check it.

I just wrote an entry about this show, so I won’t go into it much, but I love it so goddamn much that I’m mentioning it again. The second season of Misfits premieres this week, November 11th in the UK. The best program ever created, hands down. A must watch for any sci-fi or superhero fans. Black comedy, superpowers, friggin’ amazing dialogue, Robert Sheehan – the foxiest man on the planet… there’s nothing not to love. SECOND SEASON PREMIERE ONLY A FEW DAYS AWAY. Check out a clip below. Beware: light spoilers.


Uncharted 2 in the hizzouse!

2 Nov recently released a list of the top 25 PlayStation 3 games and I promised myself I’d play at least one of them that I hadn’t gotten to yet. And of course, like a fat girl goes immediately for the muffins on the snack table at a company meeting, I beelined for number one: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.

As of the time I’m writing this blog entry, I’m about halfway through the game and it’s been epic fun. Our devilishly handsome hero (I think I have a bit of a crush… alright, a HUGE crush), Nathan Drake, is a tongue-in-cheek roguish fortune hunter on a quest to find the secret behind Marco Polo’s lost fleet. Uncharted 2 is great in that it feels like you’re playing through an action adventure movie – it has treasure, sidekicks, guns, chase scenes, the works.

In everything I watch, read, play, listen to, or do, one of the most important factors in deciding if I’ll like it is whether or not it has a sense of humor. Fortunately, Uncharted 2 delivers in this category. Even though it’s primarily an adventure game, it manages to slide in some pretty hilarious dialogue every now and then. I attribute this success to the fact that Nathan Drake is a very well-written character, and the rapport between him and his various teammates is well-scripted. I especially like his interactions with Chloe Frazer, his dark-haired buxom beauty of a companion. Straight dudes – this game’s worth playing for this chick. She’s foxy. Tits like grapefruits and an ass like two perfectly-shaped cantaloupes put together. I want a fruit bowl.

The game has the perfect balance between cut scenes and gameplay – neither becomes tedious. The camera motion is also amazingly designed, again – it strikes a perfect balance in that it guides you to your next step without leaving you in the dark or assuming you’re a retard. And, in all my hours of gameplay thus far, I haven’t had a moment where I let out a string of curse words (FUCKYOUMOTHERFUCKINGFUCKTARDFUCKYOURFUCKHOLEARRRRRGH) because the camera got me stuck in a position where I can’t shoot straight.

Overall, Uncharted 2 deserves its title as best PS3 game of the year so far. It’s engaging, fun, and remarkably addicting. Trust me. I sat on my ass for six hours playing it and didn’t even realize I was about to piss my pants from the three cups of tea I’d had.

Fun Fact: Nathan Fillion, star of Firefly (but you should’ve already known that), is campaigning to play Nathan Drake in the upcoming movie adaptation of the game. He’s doing this through his Twitter ( and you can support him by using the hashtag #fillionfordrake. It’s a PERFECT fit. You can trust me. Now, get in the windowless van cuz I’ve got some candy for ya.

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