Time Travel Theories

So, there are three main types of time travel. Or, at the very least, that’s the way I tend to classify time travel events in my head whenever I think about it. Which I kinda do a lot, because I’m that much of a nerd. Whatever.

With slight adjustments for the details of a particular time travel event, I really believe that these three categories can be applied to explain and classify every instance of time travel in comics/movies/books/TV shows/etc.

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1. Time is Unchanging: All time travel that happens was always meant to happen. There’s just one timeline; all events are fixed and built into it and can’t be changed. In fact, trying to change or avoid things often means that you, the time-traveller, are the one who makes them happen.

Ex: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure| Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban| Kate and Leopold| Premonition| Supreme| Timeline.

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2. Time as a River: Time travel can change certain things, but the things that were meant to happen will happen eventually. You might be able to change small details or delay things, but eventually the timeline will correct itself. It’s like throwing rocks into a river: pebbles make ripples, where you can see the tiny effects, but it won’t change the major flow.

Ex:  Doctor Who| Journeyman| Terminator| The Time Machine

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3. Time Changes into Alternate Timelines: The act of time travel always causes a change of some sort, and an alternate timeline branches off from that moment. This is where the most significant changes can happen and so it’s the most commonly seen. This one’s the most complicated just because different ‘verses deal with the role of the traveller and the state of their timeline in so many different ways.

Some ‘Role of the Traveller’ options:

• merge with your other self and have memories of both timelines (I’ve only ever seen this in Harry Potter fanfiction, but it exists)
• replace your other self (Batman/Superman Absolute Power)
• cause yourself to never be born (why Marty fades in Back to the Future)
• you and the other you(s) can exist simultaneously (old and young Spock in the ’09 Star Trek movie);

Some ‘State of the Timeline’ options:

• jump between the past and the future making and seeing changes instantly
• changes in the past create a new timeline, completely erasing yours giving you nowhere to jump back to
• jump to the future and return to the past to create a new timeline based on what you learned

Ex:  13 Going on 30| Back to the Future| Batman/Superman: Absolute Power| Charmed| Cinderella 3: A Stitch in Time| Eureka| Heroes| Star Trek

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Can you think of more examples of time travel?

Is there anything that doesn’t fit into these categories? Anything that should be reclassified?

Why I have hope for the Green Lantern movie

Answer = the new extended trailer.

Where the original trailer came off as cheesy, predictable, and hinted at the possibility of a badly animated super(skinny)suit, this trailer looks… epic.

It’s funny (his attempt at an oath actually made me laugh) and yet properly dramatic (the actual oath sounded almost inspirational).

It has snippets of exciting action scenes (explosions and fights and spaceships) and looks beautiful (aliens and settings that actually look cool).

Watching this trailer actually makes me want to go see this movie!

(I mean, I would have watched it anyway because it is a superhero and there’s no way I could say no to anything involving superheros, but now I’m way more likely to go see it in theatres)

Decisions, Decisions

Before anyone makes a stupid reference to that damn Rebecca Black song (…. see what I did there?) I actually have something to look forward to this particular Friday: 2 movies that I really want to see are both released today. As much as I want to be greedy and watch them both in one sitting, my attention span is obviously shorter than a Korean male’s penis size (I’m going be statistics here, alright? Google that shit.) so I can only watch one of them tonight. Or tomorrow.

“Your Highness” is a movie I have been waiting for since…. October. Back then, I thought, “Hot damn, April is far away”. Now I am kind of cringing because I still haven’t done my taxes yet. There isn’t much for me to say about this movie if you’ve seen the trailer 49394508385304 times like I have. Natalie Portman is in it. Danny McBride is in it. James Franco is in it. Zooey Deschanel is in it. The people who made “Pineapple Express” made this movie. I don’t think I can really dumb it down for you anymore. I am pretty sure this movie is going to be hilarious.

The second movie I’m looking forward to is “Hanna”. While I’m only partly sold by the concept (which is kept a bit vague, probably because the storyline isn’t that exciting to me), Cate Blanchett and Saorise Ronan are in this movie, and everyone under the sun knows I love Cate Blanchett. Let’s just forget about that whole Indiana Jones fiasco. Also, I’m a girl with self-esteem issues, so I obviously would want to watch a movie where a girl who appears helpless suddenly kicks everyone’s ass. I don’t think this movie will be intentionally funny, but remember “Suckerpu–” no, I will not speak of such things again. I don’t want to believe that Cate Blanchett would participate in another mediocre movie.

Shut up, Crime (and read this)

Yeah, I watched Super last week, but couldn’t bring myself to write a review: it’s good, but not really my sense of humour. Luckily, I went with a friend (who shall be known on this blog as SparklyCupcake, for now) and she wrote it for me.

It’s not that I’m slacking…it’s an optimal delegation of work. 🙂

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Have you ever dreamed of being a superhero? Of gliding through clouds like the man of steel, or smashing through walls like his green-skinned counterpart? Their tales are fantastic and larger than life and understandably alluring. After all, who wouldn’t want a utility-belt full of crime-fighting wonders?

If you ask me, that list of people is a lot longer than it should be. To borrow an oft-quoted phrase from a movie that frequents late-nights on cable channels: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

And I’m not entirely convinced that most people who dream of karate-chopping faceless thugs who steal old ladies’ purses could shoulder that responsibility. The dark knight may possess the gritty resolve to hide in the shadows until he’s convinced that the men he’s observing on the seedy docks of the outer city deserve it, but most of us aren’t so blessed.

Maybe like Frank D’Arbo, your patience will be tested by a couple who cuts in front of you at the movie theater. Peter Parker may have looked the other way but Frank (aptly portrayed by Rainn Wilson) feels the need to unleash the justice of his trusty wrench across their faces until their bloody penance streams down their faces. This is why you should watch this movie, not just to cast doubt on the fantasies you’ve been nurturing since childhood, but because it’s destined to be a cult classic.

"That'll do."

The director said he wrote the script many years ago but didn’t want to move ahead with the project until he found the right person to play Frank. But it’s hard to believe that the role wasn’t written with Rainn in mind: Frank completely embodies the earnest eccentricity that has made his Office character a household name. An introverted fry cook, Frank creates his superhero persona Crimson Bolt after avision strengthens his resolve to rescue his wife (Liv Tyler).

"Beware crime."

After he decides to fight evil, with his wife’s drug-dealing boyfriend at the top of the list, Crimson Bolt and his wrench begin to terrorize pedophiles and thieves across the city. Frank’s calm and self-aware narration provides a jarring contrast to the celebratory gore that is frequently splashed acrossthe screen. That’s the beauty of this movie though; it’s able to seamlessly encompass the extremes of slapstick comedy and heartbreaking loss without losing the audience. Although some of the violence isclearly gratuitous and you occasionally wonder if you can really root for a character like Frank, his single-minded determination to save his fallen angel keeps you loyal until the end.

"Come here. I want to try something."

Out of all the characters, Liv Tyler’s Sarah, was probably the least explored. Throughout the movie we’re reminded that she’s in need of rescue both from herself and those around her, but we’re not givenmuch else to work with. Perhaps it fit the movie’s purposes to have a stereotypical damsel in distress toembolden the hero. Or maybe we weren’t supposed to think about Sarah as much as we were supposedto focus on what Frank was driven to do for her.

Ellen Page’s character Boltie, the Crimson Bolt’s ‘kid sidekick’, isn’t as easy to quantify. A fumbling twenty-something with a superhero fetish, she immediately attaches herself to Frank upon learning his secret identity. Like many of us would be, she isn’t content waiting for crime to happen and is perfectly comfortable with brutally punishing the people she thinks deserve it. Her enthusiasm for explosives taking down bad guys is an odd match for her childlike energy and junior-high vernacular, butit’s just another example of the contrasts this story thrives off of. Her excitement is infectious, her transgressions are oddly forgivable, and she was easily my favorite character after Frank.

"What are those?" "Pipe bombs. I'm not sure I'm doing it right."

To briefly tie up some loose threads, there are many other things that made me love this movie. I haven’t seen a lot of Kevin Bacon flicks but this movie has made a fan out of me. He brought an undeniable swagger and complexity to a character that could have easily been a two-dimensional villain,like a modern-day Bowser. Also, it was evident that the soundtrack was carefully chosen and I think they generally made great decisions both with the titles and their placement. And finally, despite it all, this movie made me want to be a superhero. Apparently all it takes is the decision to fight evil and a bloody wrench.

Questions for Zack Snyder

March 25 was a very important date for all nerds. It was the date on which the conglomeration of all nerds’ wet dreams came into fruition–Zack Snyder’s “Suckerpunch“. Hot chicks in skimpy outfits, weapons, monsters, dragons, supposedly awesome visual effects, ass-kicking, Carla Gugino… what more is there to say?

Yeah, I definitely was NOT prepared for THIS MOVIE. Image via filmofilia.com

All of those items could amount to epicness at the level of Scott Pilgrim, or create a soup that has way too many ingredients (bad analogy but I really cannot think of anything else at this time), and if you went to the midnight screening on Thursday, the first thing you did after the movie was probably update your Facebook status about how horrible the movie was, which would then deter many who were interested in this movie. Well, despite my friend’s gchat status of: my brain is jelly… which he explained, “that’s what the movie did to me”, I still went to see the movie on Friday night, and I must admit, though I lowered my standards very, very much (I had just watched “Hall Pass” recently, and that was not a good movie either…. I mean I seriously lowered my standards), “Suckerpunch” left me speechless. Speechless because I do not understand how a movie like that didn’t go straight to video. DVD. Whatever. Of course, my friends and I were completely at a loss for words after the movie, but after about 15 minutes, I had many, many unanswered questions for Zack Snyder, to which I can only hope somebody can provide me with some type of closure with. See below (spoiler alert, if you even care):

1. Why did you (Zack Snyder) hire the same visual effects team as M. Night Shyamalan? I am referring to the team that worked on “The Last Airbender“. I watched “300” more than once and I know what you are capable of. You have the money to hire a better team. Why did you deprive us of bearable graphics? The effects in the movie made me truly appreciate how beautiful the graphics are … on the PSP.

Really awkward snow scene that could have been superb? Check.

2.  In the first fight against the 3 “samurai” warriors with glowing eyes, was there zero gravity in that space? How did Babydoll’s measly little blade hold up against their weapons, which were about 100x bigger and heavier? I do not understand that, especially since she was flung around like a ragdoll, but her sword was able to cut through their armor? Please explain that to me, that would never work in a video game.

3. Why were Amber and Blondie in a mental institution? They seemed pretty normal to me.

4. Also, why did the above two characters only have… 2 lines in the entire movie?

5. Why is Vanessa Hudgens’ character’s name “Blondie”? She is not blonde. Backstory please.

This actually doesn't even look like Vanessa Hudgens. Image via filmofilia.com

6. Why would you make the girls in a mental institution prostitute themselves? That is just a recipe for disaster, seriously.

7. Why don’t you ever see Babydoll dance? I am unconvinced that her awkward swaying, paired with her creepy, innocent gaze, can distract a fat man from a scantily-clad female from stealing his gold-plated lighter from his breast pocket.

8. What year is this movie supposed to be in? The 30’s? 40’s? If so, why is the first song we hear Bjork’s “Army of Me”? Mind you, this was not background music, it was music used for Babydoll’s first dance. This also confused me.

9. How did Rocket die with just a little wound in her side!? The other girls got a fucking bullet in their heads. Please explain.

10. Why is Babydoll the only one in a skimpy schoolgirl outfit when the other girls are all in skimpy military-inspired outfits?

11. Why did you borrow the Orcs from Lord of the Rings for the dragon-fighting scene? I couldn’t hold in my laughter.

If you watched the movie you know what I'm talking about. Image via blog.activehome.co.uk

12. Speaking of the dragon-fighting scene, how is it that Babydoll’s tiny little blade pierced through the huge-ass dragon’s head and killed the beast? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. It’s like sticking a pocket knife through the top of a Hummer, that shit isn’t going to stop the Hummer from going along its merry way, you know.

13. How did all the girls instantly trust Babydoll’s plan to escape? They just met her. Girls don’t trust that easily.

14. In the second fight with the steam-powered German soldiers, how is that Babydoll’s tiny pistol shot down the plane? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

15. My final question because I no longer want to contemplate this movie: Why couldn’t you just make this into a video game? Would have had lower expectations, and I wouldn’t have any of these questions because I usually don’t question the dynamics in a video game.

Because you’ve already spent probably 10-15 minutes of your time reading this blog post, and you probably want to get something out of it, I suggest you save your $13 for a nice dinner somewhere and just wait until this movie releases on DVD… in 2 months.