March 25 was a very important date for all nerds. It was the date on which the conglomeration of all nerds’ wet dreams came into fruition–Zack Snyder’s “Suckerpunch“. Hot chicks in skimpy outfits, weapons, monsters, dragons, supposedly awesome visual effects, ass-kicking, Carla Gugino… what more is there to say?
Yeah, I definitely was NOT prepared for THIS MOVIE. Image via filmofilia.com
All of those items could amount to epicness at the level of Scott Pilgrim, or create a soup that has way too many ingredients (bad analogy but I really cannot think of anything else at this time), and if you went to the midnight screening on Thursday, the first thing you did after the movie was probably update your Facebook status about how horrible the movie was, which would then deter many who were interested in this movie. Well, despite my friend’s gchat status of: my brain is jelly… which he explained, “that’s what the movie did to me”, I still went to see the movie on Friday night, and I must admit, though I lowered my standards very, very much (I had just watched “Hall Pass” recently, and that was not a good movie either…. I mean I seriously lowered my standards), “Suckerpunch” left me speechless. Speechless because I do not understand how a movie like that didn’t go straight to video. DVD. Whatever. Of course, my friends and I were completely at a loss for words after the movie, but after about 15 minutes, I had many, many unanswered questions for Zack Snyder, to which I can only hope somebody can provide me with some type of closure with. See below (spoiler alert, if you even care):
1. Why did you (Zack Snyder) hire the same visual effects team as M. Night Shyamalan? I am referring to the team that worked on “The Last Airbender“. I watched “300” more than once and I know what you are capable of. You have the money to hire a better team. Why did you deprive us of bearable graphics? The effects in the movie made me truly appreciate how beautiful the graphics are … on the PSP.
Really awkward snow scene that could have been superb? Check.
2. In the first fight against the 3 “samurai” warriors with glowing eyes, was there zero gravity in that space? How did Babydoll’s measly little blade hold up against their weapons, which were about 100x bigger and heavier? I do not understand that, especially since she was flung around like a ragdoll, but her sword was able to cut through their armor? Please explain that to me, that would never work in a video game.
3. Why were Amber and Blondie in a mental institution? They seemed pretty normal to me.
4. Also, why did the above two characters only have… 2 lines in the entire movie?
5. Why is Vanessa Hudgens’ character’s name “Blondie”? She is not blonde. Backstory please.
This actually doesn't even look like Vanessa Hudgens. Image via filmofilia.com
6. Why would you make the girls in a mental institution prostitute themselves? That is just a recipe for disaster, seriously.
7. Why don’t you ever see Babydoll dance? I am unconvinced that her awkward swaying, paired with her creepy, innocent gaze, can distract a fat man from a scantily-clad female from stealing his gold-plated lighter from his breast pocket.
8. What year is this movie supposed to be in? The 30’s? 40’s? If so, why is the first song we hear Bjork’s “Army of Me”? Mind you, this was not background music, it was music used for Babydoll’s first dance. This also confused me.
9. How did Rocket die with just a little wound in her side!? The other girls got a fucking bullet in their heads. Please explain.
10. Why is Babydoll the only one in a skimpy schoolgirl outfit when the other girls are all in skimpy military-inspired outfits?
11. Why did you borrow the Orcs from Lord of the Rings for the dragon-fighting scene? I couldn’t hold in my laughter.
If you watched the movie you know what I'm talking about. Image via blog.activehome.co.uk
12. Speaking of the dragon-fighting scene, how is it that Babydoll’s tiny little blade pierced through the huge-ass dragon’s head and killed the beast? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. It’s like sticking a pocket knife through the top of a Hummer, that shit isn’t going to stop the Hummer from going along its merry way, you know.
13. How did all the girls instantly trust Babydoll’s plan to escape? They just met her. Girls don’t trust that easily.
14. In the second fight with the steam-powered German soldiers, how is that Babydoll’s tiny pistol shot down the plane? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
15. My final question because I no longer want to contemplate this movie: Why couldn’t you just make this into a video game? Would have had lower expectations, and I wouldn’t have any of these questions because I usually don’t question the dynamics in a video game.
Because you’ve already spent probably 10-15 minutes of your time reading this blog post, and you probably want to get something out of it, I suggest you save your $13 for a nice dinner somewhere and just wait until this movie releases on DVD… in 2 months.